Fathers

Big sigh.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Here's the thing. I've been busy with work, have had a lot on my mind and have been a wee bit stressed out lately. (But don't go feeling sorry for me... I'm okay, really I am. It's my hubster I'm worried about).

So Andrew's Dad has cancer. It started two years ago, in his kidney.

Unfortunately, it's been spreading. And some of the medications haven't been working. Fast forward to today, and he's in the hospital, not doing well.

It's now in his brain.

Andrew, Anna and I went to visit him in the hospital on Father's Day. It was the first time I'd seen him since he started going downhill rapidly. He really didn't look the father-in-law I know. His face and legs were really skinny. His body was swollen. I was a bit taken aback at first.

But when he looked at Anna - I saw him. I saw Peter again.

His face just transformed. His eyes lit up. He smiled broadly. And he spoke to her in his Grandpa voice, she knows and loves.

He got tired, and asked us if we would mind cutting the visit short. Before we left, I brought Anna up close to him. She wanted to stay in my arms... but we stood right next to him to say our goodbyes.

Peter looked up, his eyes focused on her face, and said to me, "Thank you, Heather. For Anna."

I nodded.

And then he said something that made me overwhelmingly sad... but also content at the same time. He said "I'll be there at Christmas. You may not be able to see me. But I'll be there."

I broke down as I nodded at him. Tears stopped me from saying what I really wanted to say.

I wanted him to know that I knew he'd be there.... That he'd always be with us. Because we won't let Anna grow up not knowing who her Grandpa was. She'll know how he loved pirate stories - Treasure Island, in particular. She'll know that he told corny jokes. She'll know that he was a teacher at one point in his career. She'll know that he was one of those guys that everyone loved because he was so kind and funny and thoughtful. She'll know he was an amazing Dad to her Daddy. And that he always made her Mommy feel special.

But most of all, she'll know that his face lit up whenever she entered the room. She'll know he adored her. She'll know that according to him, she was just the most amazing little girl ever.

I couldn't say it, but I hope he felt it when I squeezed his hand gently.

I hope he knows.

8 signs you're not ready for your baby to grow up

Look at me! 2 posts in one day! I'm so productive and efficient. Weeee!

Without further adieu, my new post...

8 signs you’re not ready for your baby to grow up.

1. You keep calling her “the baby” even though she’s a full-on toddler. For example: “Where’s the baby? Oh, there she is… feeding herself with a spoon, talking to Dada, jumping up and down and filling out her online application to Montessori”. Yeah. She ain’t a baby anymore.
2. You refuse to put away her baby clothes. Sure, you have to use the Jaws of Life to get her into those one-piece footy pajamas. But they’re pink and cute and have ladybugs on them! You’re not ready to retire the ladybugs!
3. You cried when she moved from size 2 to 3 in diapers.
4. You cried when you stopped nursing.
5. You cry when you think about her doing anything.
6. You like to try and hold her in the cradle position, despite the fact that she struggles like an ant flipped over on its back, pushing you away, straining her neck, using her core muscles like she’s never used them before to get up and out of that godforsaken hold.
7. You find yourself saying things like “I just had a baby…” and then feel ridiculous when you have to follow it up with “…16 months ago”.
8. You keep changing her on the change table, even though her head dangles off one side and her legs keep kicking the box of wipes clear off the table on the other side. She totally still fits. Like… totally.

Work, work, work...

Today is Day 20 of the Downtown Full-Time Work Thing.

I fear there is no end in sight.

Kidding. I’m being dramatic. Who complains about having work when you’re a self-employed freelancer?? I’m crazy. I know.

Anna seems to be adjusting finally. Mama – on the other hand – still isn’t. I mean, I don’t mind it I guess… It’s fun to be in a vibrant, exciting part of the city. The lunch options are awesome. The shopping is great. I get to talk to grown-ups each day.

But the truth is, I’ve discovered that I’m one of those people who really likes being at home with their bambina.

Yes, I got a bit squirrely during the winter months (I’m chalking that up to cabin fever). But in the end, I like the routine we have going at home.

I like getting stuff done around the house. I like playing outside with Anna, or going new places with her. I like doing my freelance work while she naps. And then playing some more before Andrew gets home for dinner.

Sure, there’s no security. I make less money. I never know if I’m going to have a paycheque coming in or not…

But having time to run errands is great. Getting to see as much of Anna as I possibly can while she’s still wee is awesome. And – let’s face it – chilling out in my lulus can’t be beat.

So, what about you guys? Do you like getting out into the Real World every day? Or are you more of the stay-at-home types?

And if you’re the stay-at-home types… what sorts of things do you do with your kidlets to fill the days?

My 16 month old (almost)

Anna's going to be 16 months old on Saturday.

(Pausing to let this fact sink in to the first-time Mama who can't believe her little wee baby is a walking, gibberish-talking TODDLER already!!!!)

In honour of Anna's up-coming month-a-versary, a little recap...

My 16 month old:

• Is about to get her 5th tooth. It's *just* about to pop through the gums.
• Says things in the most SERIOUS way. Complete with hand gestures, furrowed brow and everything. Of course, it's all gibberish. So far, all we can decipher is "Ah-dah, adah!"
• Fully understands what we're saying to her. Like - "Anna, is it time for a bath?" Her answer? Quickly hustling up to the bathroom, yelling excitedly and then trying to climb into the tub, fully clothed.
• Would probably starve if bananas weren't invented.
• Has just started wrapping both arms around my legs and sticking her head in between my thighs in classic, little-kid fashion. So. Cute.
• Likes you to know - in no uncertain terms - when you are sitting in her chair.
• Loves water. Hates juice. Has a slight allergy to milk. (But also loves it.)
• Would rather chew on her toothbrush than brush her teeth. But really, really loves her toothpaste.
• Climbs up onto EVERYTHING.
• Loves books, her little table and chairs and her shapes puzzle.
• Has taken to pooping right after we put her down to bed for the night. I think it's her way of saying "Um... no. I'm not ready for bed yet, thanks."
• Has soft, soft skin. And even softer hair.
• Is apparently starting to look more and more like me lately.
• Adores being outside. (Just like her Daddy).
• Is THE BEST little human that ever lived.

So says her very unbiased Mom.

Life whispers

So who watched Oprah’s last show?

For those of you that missed it, there were no guests. No surprises. It was just Oprah talking. For an hour. Which I thought would be slightly boring, I admit.

But, as I watched Oprah impart her wisdom on us, I found myself thinking. Thinking deeply. (That Oprah… she’s good, isn’t she?) I was thinking a lot about what she was saying and how it applied to my life.

What am I meant to do in life? What’s next for me? What’s my real passion? Am I following it? What is my life whispering to me? Am I hearing it?

And then I turned on the American Idol finale and no longer thought any deep thoughts. (Woo, Scotty!)

Later that night a good friend of mine posted a clip of her 4 year-old son’s school concert on Facebook. He, along with a class-full of other fresh-faced little ones, was singing about fishies.

When the curtain opened and he saw his Mom and Dad in the audience, his entire face lit up. And then he shyly launched into the fishy song. (Complete with hand actions).

After watching that clip I thought to myself “My god. This. This is it.” Those innocent, proud, happy little kids singing about fishies, smiling broadly and thrilled beyond belief that their parents were there to watch them. Yes. That is what life is about.

For the most part, life can be pretty mundane. We drag ourselves out of bed every day to follow the daily grind. We make money. We spend it on our homes and food. We sometimes go on vacations. And we’re happy with what we’ve got.

But then something incredible happens. And your eyes are opened wider and your heart gets even bigger and you realize you’re even happier than you knew.

After watching that clip, I realized what Oprah was talking about. I know what my passion is. I hear my life whispering to me.

I hear it every time I see Anna’s face smiling at me from her crib, first thing in the morning. I hear it when she hugs me and rests her head on my shoulder because she just wants a snuggle. I hear it when she runs to me and laughs and smiles.

I feel that passion every time I remember that this happy little human is the way she is in large part because of my husband and I.

I’m a Mom. And when I walk into a room, someone’s face lights up, just for me.

Oh yes, I hear my life whispering to me. I hear it loud and clear. And it’s saying:

“Hez... You really got things right.”

Hi there. Remember me?

Oh, god... I am AWFUL at this lately.

So - you may have noticed I've been MIA lately. (Or you may not have noticed at all and this is news to you completely. If that's the case... Hi guys! I've been MIA lately.)

The thing is, I've been doing a full time gig for the past 3 weeks that involves commuting to the big city and everything. So I leave the house at 7:30 in the morning and don't get home until 6pm. Just enough time for me to help feed Anna dinner, give her her bath, play with her for a bit, try to chat with the hubster, get Anna to bed and then drag my tired arse up to bed myself.

Which leaves little to no time for blogging. (I barely have time to update my Facebook status lately, let alone try and write in full sentences and paragraphs.) Woe is me.

Anywho. So I hope you guys stick around to read on after the next few weeks. I should be able to find some time to get back on track in the near future.

In the meantime... here's a little update on All Things Anna.

• She's almost 16 months now. WTF??? When did that happen?? She's not my wee little buttertart anymore.
• She cries every morning and clings to me when she realizes I'm leaving. Break my heart much?? Sob.
• She has 4 teeth... but we think another one may be on the horizon. She's drooling like crazy and keeps biting everything. She actually bit my toe the other day. (Which? Ew. It wasn't a "fresh-out-of-the-shower" toe.)
• She's not really talking... but she says Mama and Dada and Wow. The rest is kind of gibberish. But from her perspective, she's totally having full-on conversations.
• She's still obsessed with belly buttons.
• She RUNS. She doesn't walk. She's all Forest Gump-like now.
• I happen to think she's super cute. From her uber-soft skin to the adorable way that she gives kisses... She's my favourite little thing in the universe. (Even more so than peanut butter. And that's saying a lot.)
• (I love peanut butter).

This is a shiny, happy post

I’ve sort of noticed that these posts I write can sound like I’m complaining. Or that I’m finding motherhood ridiculously tough. Or that I’m not happy.

Which is too bad, because all of the above is not true.

So, I shall say here and now, for all you lovely Mamas to witness: I LOVE BEING A MOM! I love my little Buttertart. Man, she’s funny. She does this thing right now… Since she’s fascinated with belly buttons, she likes to point everyone’s belly button out to the ENTIRE ROOM. Which means you MUST lift your shirt up and bare your stomach for an audience. If you don’t, she can’t properly point out where your belly button is. You know – just in case you weren’t aware.

Anyway. I digress.

So, yeah. I’m happy. Things are good. 99% of the time I talk about fun, light topics, like the Royal Wedding or how good the movie Bridesmaids looks (which I’m going to see tonight, by the way! Woo!)

I think you guys seem to only hear from me when I’m wondering about something, or perhaps doubting myself or when I’m having an off day.

Which really isn’t the “real” me.

The real me is all jokey and happy and silly and likes to randomly yell out “I KICK. And I STRETCH. And I KICK!! IIIIII’MMMMM FIFTY!!!!!!” (Source: Molly Shannon, SNL. Frickin’ hilarious.)

Anywho – so I’m going to start the weekend off right. I’m going to be shiny and happy and I’m going to wish you a lovely weekend with your little ones. May there be much smiling and laughing this weekend. In FACT – may you laugh so hard that your guts hurt and your ass twitches.

And on that note, I’m going to sign off.

After all, there’s never a better way to end off a post then with a good ass-twitch comment.