Year of the family

I keep doing this... I know. But I really have a good reason for my disappearance this time.

Honest.

And here she is.

I had another baby! (On a side note: look at that little squishy face. Mmmm... squishy face.)

And now, life with 2 under 2 is a tad bit crazy. Throw the holiday season in there too and you may understand why blogging has taken a back seat.

Anywho, it's New Year's Eve today. I'm generally not the type to "reflect" on the year gone by. But 2011 has been quite the year for my little family and I. And since I don't have much of a plan for myself for 2012, I've actually been reflecting quite a bit.

In 2011, my little Anna turned one. In the same year, I had a baby.

(Anna says: "Let me touch your face over and over again, baby!")

This year, our family lost a great man - my father in law. My husband has grappled with losing his Dad and his own role as a Dad as well.

2011 was the year I went out on my own and started my own business.

And 2011 was also the year in which I learned that my body is really not my own for now. (But that's perfectly okay). I not only finished up nursing my first little one this year, I also grew another human being. And I'm now back to nursing again. And while I may not enjoy the fact that my body is holding onto fat, my hormones are crazy, I can't enjoy more than a glass of wine at a time, and my shape is forever changed, my body is doing something incredibly important for my children. So for now, I can live with my pancake bum and everything else. All in the name of my kids' health.

In 2011, Andrew and I took 3 vacations. (Lah-dee-dah! Look at us!) We went to Florida, New York City and took a trip to a cottage in the summer with friends.

But the most important thing I've realized is that 2011 was the year I became complete. My family is complete. Andrew and I have two little girls. Our lives together are just beginning. We have so much to look forward to.

So maybe that's why I've been reflecting.

2011 was a big year for me. And I have a feeling 2012 has even more in store for us.

Happy New Year, everyone.

My Mom felt this way, too??

Isn't it interesting how the world just sort of stops when your kid is sick?

You enter into total "Mommy Mode" and it doesn't seem like a sacrifice at all to spend the better part of your night sitting upright in your toddler's bed, 37 weeks pregnant, your neck stiffly resting on the cold corner of the wall, as your little one lays up against you so she can sleep without coughing.

Right now I'm spending my morning sitting on the couch with my little red-cheeked, glassy-eyed Buttertart. I'm also letting her watch as much Max and Ruby as she wants while she drinks water and picks raisins out of the oatmeal I'm trying to feed her.

My poor thing has a bad cold - combined with teething (I'm convinced). And when she feels like this, I find I'm sort of in awe of my reaction now that I'm a Mom. What I mean is - I never really realized the intensity of this crazy maternal, primal instinct that kicks in. I want to make her feel better. I need to make her feel better. I must make her feel better.

I remember when I was sick as a kid, my Mom would run her fingers through my hair to soothe me. She'd sit with me until I relaxed and nodded off to sleep. She would bring me tea and toast and rub my face and tell me she was here for me. And it all instantly made me feel better.

At the time, I just thought my Mom was doing what Moms do. (Don't get me wrong - I was extremely grateful. Even at 32 years of age, there is nothing like my Mom when I'm sick or down or out of sorts.) But now I realize she was doing what she had to do.

There was something inside of her that desired to put my health and comfort before hers.

Which made me realize something else... I'm special enough for her to sacrifice her sleep and her comfort... really? She did this just for me??

Yes. It took 32 years for me to start thinking these thoughts. (I'm sorry, Mumsie!) But I get it now.

And I will be totally patient for the next 30 years and a few months with Anna.

But... if it takes even longer for her to get it? It's okay. Because sitting in the dark listening to her soft breathing for 45 minutes is not only okay... it's quickly becoming one of my new favourite things to do.

You're totally worth it, kiddo.

You can't resist me in a froggy hat, Mommy. You're putty in my hands.

Who am I really?

I’m struggling here.

I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that makes me different from every other mom blogger out there. What’s my angle? What’s my niche?

And guess what I’ve realized?

I’m so not unique.

I’m a white, English-speaking woman. I was born in Canada. My parents were born in Canada. My grandparents were born in Canada. I have a white husband. We have a very pale little 21-month old girl. We live in a big suburb. We’ve got a semi-detached, back-split home. We’re due with our second child in about 3 weeks. And then our little family will be complete. Mom, Dad and 2 kids.

It’s undeniable. I’m a total cookie cutter.

I asked my mom what made me different as a parent blogger (since she always offers a very unbiased and objective opinion of me… as moms are known to do). And she said, “Well, you aren’t a lesbian, a visible minority, a full-time working mom or a full-time stay at home mom either. Maybe that’s what makes you unique!”

She loves me and she’s cute… but I’m not sure she quite understood the question.

So I decided to take a good, hard look at my life. How am I different? Would I call myself cultural? “Honey – remember that time we went to Quebec and ordered our Subway sandwiches in French? We’re so ethnic, aren’t we??”

Would I call myself out-of-the-ordinary? Hmmm… I’m a sleep-deprived mom who wears Lululemons and loves Starbucks lattes. A bit of a dink, perhaps. But different? Maybe not.

Then I realized something else.

Despite all this, I have stories worth telling. I tell them with passion. I tell them with humour. I let other parents out there know that sometimes I mess up. Sometimes I get depressed. But – holy crap – this is the most amazing experience in the universe, and we should be talking about it. We should be learning and growing from each other. We should be enjoying it.

In my older blog, I wrote about my pregnancy and all about Anna’s first year of life.

Shortly after having her, I experienced this moment. I remember feeling it so intensely. And needing to make sense of it all. Did my words help any other new moms? Maybe. I know for sure that it was cathartic.

When I started getting out and about with Anna, we experienced this. And I learned about the power of the simple things in life. Of happiness.

And when Anna had just turned one, I experienced this moment. It made me realize how much my life has changed. How much love I felt. How incredible everything was now – just because she was here.

Sure, all Moms love their kids and talk about how great they are. From that perspective, I may not stand out on paper to the folks at Todaysparent.com. But I’ve got a unique, amazing, incredible life. Every moment I’ve had since getting pregnant with my first daughter has taught me this.

Through the laughter and the tears, each experience helped me realize I’m not the only one going through this right now. Each experience has made me realize how incredibly lucky I am. Each experience has made me who I’m meant to be.

A mom.

And that’s a pretty unique, incredible thing.

Pray for mojo!

So you've probably noticed I've lost my writing mojo.

I haven't been around for almost 2 months! What the what? It's so not like me to not blather on and on about Anna and her lack of sleep or whatever cute (or gross) thing she's done that day. (Yesterday she ate floor food. Don't know how long it had been there. Yes. I'm still Mom of the Year, folks.)

Anyway. I can explain it away with all the typical things... I'm in my last trimester of this pregnancy and tired all. the. time. I'm still working here and there. I'm trying to do my Christmas shopping and get prepared for Buttertart #2. You know - you've heard it all before.

But really, I think I just needed something to light a fire under my behind. I needed something new to write about. I needed the ever-important Something Different to Blog About.

And that's when I heard about a call for new parent bloggers for Today's Parent. But not just *any* new parent bloggers. Parent bloggers who are different. Unique. Enviro-parent bloggers. Dad bloggers. Parents who blog about life raising their quintuplets with their same-sex partner in their small little town.

That's totally me, no??

I'm entering anyway. Stay tuned, folks! New blog post to come!

You lucky ducks.

Shame spiral, averted!

Sometimes I get a little glum for a moment. Not for long - just a quick minute or two.

Usually after looking at my pregnant naked ass in a mirror. (Why do I do that to myself again? Ignorance is bliss. Must remember that.)

Anywho. So I'll feel a little "ugh" for a second or two. Which I find generally leads to two very different reactions:

Reaction 1: I enter into a deep, deep shame spiral where I start wondering when or if I'll ever be within my healthy weight range again and ends with me screaming "WHY ME??" to the heavens as I point at my stretch marks.

Reaction 2: I realize that people all over the world are dying or starving or dealing with horrible things, so the fact that my thighs are lumpy is really a minor detail and I should shut the eff up before someone slaps me.

The other day, I was feeling frumpy and tired and sorry for myself. But before Reaction 1 or Reaction 2 could start rolling into action, I sent the hubster a quick note. (I was bordering on the shame spiral and felt the need to repent for my sins.) So I emailed him this:

"I know I've been tired, sick and kind of irritable lately. Just wanted you to know that I love and appreciate you."

The hubster replied within a few minutes. With this:

"I love you too. I know this pregnancy has been a hard one and we both are tired, pretty much all the time. There's an end in sight, just a couple more months. I'm so happy you're my wife. I'm so happy you're Anna's Mom. Love you forever."

And that was it. That was all I needed.

When life gets me down, when I'm embarrassed or blah about how I look and how I feel, sometimes I just need someone to tell me they love me.

That's what we all need and want, isn't it?

I don't care who you are, how gorgeous your body is, or what material things you've got, rolling around naked in a million dollars on your 300-thread count luxury sheets ain't going to feel as good as being told you're loved. Being told that you're good enough. That someone thinks you're perfect just as you are.

So, there's no need to slap me. I get it now. Andrew loves me. Anna loves me. And I love them.

Shame spiral averted - just in time for Thanksgiving. How appropriate.

I'm a lucky lady. I know who I'm giving thanks for this weekend.

Runny noses and other things...

So here are a few things I've been marvelling at lately...

• Food. Are you aware what a wonderful invention a warm chicken tzatziki wrap is? (I'm eating now. You can probably tell without much guessing that I'm hungry. Ah, pregnancy.)
• Daycare. I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. I sort of dislike it because my wee, young, little munchkin is with strangers and, as I'm neurotic, I find myself thinking things like, "I wonder what she's doing right now? I wonder if she's okay. Or if she's sad. Or if her nose needs wiping. Is it weird that a stranger wipes her bum? It's weird." I sort of love it because Anna gets to do fun things. I get to work uninterrupted and guilt-free. And she sleeps well at night on daycare days. (How I love that little perk).
• The runny nose phenomenon. It seems to take forever and a day for it to go away. Is it possible for a runny nose to last over a month? I swear it seems like it's going to be that long before she's healthy again. And when it *does* go away... there's another one just about a week away, waiting. And snickering. Ready to take over her sweet little nostrils with disgusting goo.
• Nursing bras. They cost a LOT of money, yo. I did my research. I looked around on a few sites and shops. And I decided, finally, after much humming and hawing, that my girls are worth it. I'm going to be wearing these bras for the rest of my pregnancy and for about a year after having baby #2. My boobs deserve to be held in a nice package that doesn't shape them all weird or make me look like I'm 92 years old, wearing my laundry-day undies. So. I have $274 worth of nursing bras on their way to me as we speak. The girls are worth it. They really are. (Must keep telling myself this).

That is all. Have a lovely day, Mamas.

Coffee talk

Last night I went out for coffee with some Mom friends. We - of course - spent the majority of the evening talking about our kids.

Here's what I learned:

• Almost all of us have babies/toddlers who still don't sleep very well.
• We're very in awe of the couple of Moms whose kids are good sleepers.
• All kids have a bit of a tough transition to daycare at first... but they all get used to it and learn to love it.
• Some of our kids don't eat well, some will only eat well at daycare - never for Mommy - and some will throw their food at us, throw it on the floor or even give themselves facials with their lunch, rather than eat it.

My conclusion? We all have normal kids. (Hurrah!) They're all just being kids - doing their thing, making life somewhat of a struggle for us Moms... but being incredibly cute and wonderful and fantastic at the same time.

Ah, these coffee nights. I love em. I really do. After reconnecting with some of the awesome Moms I met on mat leave (and meeting some new Moms, too) I always leave feeling refreshed. Calm. At ease.

It gives me a chance to actually talk to real, live grown-ups about what's going on and to find out that most Moms? Are dealing with the exact same things, too. I must have lucked out with the Mom group I joined because they're all wonderful, supportive women.

I've actually only met one Mom who was kind of holier-than-thou. You know the type, right?

"My child had 40-50 words by the time she was your child's age. What's that? Your daughter has 3-5 words? Well I'm sure she's fine..."

Or... "I don't give my child any product from a cow. My children will never consume cow's milk. If anything, they *might* have goat's milk one day. But only if it's organic and from a free-range, all-natural grain-fed goat."

Excuse me while I list off my daughters favourite foods. Uh, let's see... cheese, yogurt and homo milk - all from the regular aisle at the grocery store.

Anyway. Had a great evening. Reaffirmed my belief that Anna's a normal, happy, regular kid. And I'm doing a good job.

Thank goodness. Cause Anna's stuck with me.

Jeez Mom... if you're gonna post pics of me, at least make them current. I have more hair in the current ones.