Ungrateful?

This morning, I woke up grouchy.

I'm still irritable at almost 3 in the afternoon. Tired. Worn out. Blah.

Almost everything Anna does today annoys me. I've yelled directly at her several times already, once causing her to be startled and ask me, "What's wrong, Mommy? You sad?"

Did I also mention I've felt guilty pretty much all day, too?

Why does this happen to me? To us Moms? (I'm hoping some of you feel this way, too?)

I have two good, healthy, happy children. I have a really great husband. I've even got an extremely helpful Mom who lives nearby. I'm not alone.

And yet, I'll have these "oh, woe is me" days where I just feel like laying in bed. But there's no reason for it. And I hate complaining about my lot in life because I know I sound selfish.

So... what the hell? (For lack of a better term). What the hell is wrong with me?

My husband and I chatted about the possibility of me returning to work full time. I was leaning towards returning to an out of the home full time job more than I was staying at home and working part time. But I waver back and forth from day to day.

"People envy what you have, Heather. They want the life you've got" he said to me.

I know it. I know. I know. I know.

I've got it good. I've got it so good. Which is why I can't figure out my bad mood. I should be sitting here counting my blessings, not annoyed by the fact that I'm sipping tea in my lovely bright kitchen while the girls nap.

Is this a "the grass is always greener" case?

Do I just need to shut up and give my head a shake?

Sigh.

Wish I knew.

From the neurotic files...

So, I realize I'm neurotic.

But I think I've reached an all new level of crazy. Allow me to explain.

I was telling a girlfriend the other day about how I'm not sure if my baby loves me.

(Oh lord, I'm rolling my eyes right now because I KNOW I'm crazy. I know it! But I can't seem to help it.)

It's very clear to me that Anna loves me. She's very attached to me. She wants Mommy to hug her and kiss her and help her get dressed. Only I can calm her down when she's reaching her nuclear meltdown point. She's always been this way since she was a wee babe. Everyone else is great, don't get her wrong... but Mommy? Mommy frickin rocks, people. Mommy is the best! Mommy wipes her bum, sucks boogies out of her nose and STILL thinks the sun rises and sets out of her arse.

On the other hand, when it comes to Lauren... The jury's still out on whether or not she feels that intensely about me.

Don't get me wrong - the kid obviously LIKES me. I mean, she smiles and giggles for me. She tolerates me dressing and changing her. But am I like the best thing that ever existed in the entire history of the universe?

Meh. Not so sure about that one.

Case in point: When Grandma comes to visit, Lauren smiles and reaches for Grandma. If Grandma leaves the room (AND I'M STILL IN IT), Lauren cries.

When I try to smother her in kisses - she pushes me away. When I wrestle her into a bear hug just to be close to her? She cries.

That's right. My caresses make my child weep, folks.

It's starting to give me a wee bit of a complex. I'm used to being the center of my daughter's universe. I'm used to being able to do no wrong. I'm used to being considered pretty awesome just by getting up and getting the kid a bowl of cereal.

Looks like I'm going to have to work a bit harder to earn little Lauren's affection.

And all I can think about is how Moms and daughters have weird relationships. Some daughters hate their Moms. They love their Dads and think their Moms are crazy and annoying and nag too much.

Add to that the fact that I know I'm not the easiest to like all the time. (I'm blunt and to-the-point and get taken the wrong way. I'm not all nicey nicey. It's just not in me.) Plus, I have mood swings and I'm not afraid to yell at my kids. I rock! Weee!

Anyway, add that all up, and all of the sudden I can picture grown-up Lauren exasperated with me and irritated by my very presence and wondering why I'm weeping to myself in the corner, rocking back and forth while cradling her baby clothes and whispering "Why don't you love me?? Why???"

So yes. I think I've very clearly demonstrated my ridiculous level of crazy. But there seems to be not much I can do about it.

Which is why I'm just going to keep smothering Lauren with kisses and hope for the best.

And if she ever comes up to you one day and complains about me? Please tell her that I love her and I mean well.

The kids are alright

I'm laying in bed.

I'm thinking instead of sleeping again. I'm thinking about how late it is. Thinking about you. And you.

I turn over and stare at a strong, quiet face - covered in stubble. It's a peaceful face. Sound asleep. It's one of your most favourite faces in the world.

I marvel at how the brain inside that head has the ability to be so carefree. I wonder if he ever lays awake thinking about every little thing that happened that day. Would sleep ever take a backseat to the worry that he didn't do good enough today?

I doubt it.

And thank goodness. We need one normal one in the family, right?

I smile to myself. I'm joking. I know I'm normal. I know you think I'm normal. I know millions of other Moms are just like me. I know millions of other Dads are just like the stubbly sleeper next to me.

But it doesn't ease the buzzing in my head. The over-thinking. The wonder.

Will your little 2-year old self remember that I lost my cool and yelled at you? Will you remember the morning we played on your bed for over an hour - kissing and hugging, then laughing... hiding under the covers, giggling and rolling around.

Will you, my sweet little 10-month old, have happy memories growing up in our new house? Playing in the court outside, running and biking and picking up leaves and insects.

Will you love our holiday traditions as much as I did growing up? Will you think I took enough pictures of you? Will you talk about our family vacations with fondness when you're grown?

What does it take to do it right? What do I need to do? What do I need to say?

Of course, I realize, for the most part I just need to be. Be present. Be here for you. Kiss your boo-boos. Hug you each morning. Tell you how happy I am to see you when you get home from school. Just be me.

Because "me" is someone who loves you intensely. Who can't quite remember being someone other than your Mom.

Someone who will always do things like smile and laugh with an incredible amount of pride because you blew out your 2nd birthday candle all by yourself. Or play peek-a-boo with you in the middle of the grocery store because I love seeing your 10-month old gummy smile.

And as you get older, as I make different choices - like putting you into daycare, like contemplating returning to work - I'm learning. About you, and me, and the decisions I have to make as a parent.

There's no script to follow. I can't answer the question "what does it take to be a good Mom". There are no rules for everyone to obey.

But, I do know that it doesn't matter if we stay at home with them or work, have one child or have six, if they've got special needs or not, if we believe in attachment parenting or if we're laissez-faire. We all have the same worries. The same feelings. The same questions.

And we all love like we've never loved before.

Remember that, my girls. Remember that I love you.

Remember that, Moms. Remember that you love like you've never loved before.

And for that reason, the kids are going to be alright.

Everything's going to be alright.

The one where I compare Anna to Doogie Howser

I shouldn't be allowed to carry on with this blog anymore. One post every few months is annoying to all dedicated readers. (That being said, Facebook keeps informing me with a huge red arrow pointing down next to "your reach" on my Facebook page that I've lost all my dedicated readers by now.)

Alas. I shall write anyway.

I shall write despite the fact that I'm sitting on the floor and my toddler is standing on my thigh and using my hair for balance.

I shall write despite the fact that my baby is grunting and grousing in an attempt to let me know that she is unhappy and if she could move, she would be out of here. Stat.

I shall write despite the fact that I should be showering, getting the baby down for a nap, packing for our move that is just DAYS away, tidying the kitchen floor (damn you, last night's dinner of shredded cheese) or playing something with my kids instead of letting them watch Bubble Guppies. (I find it increasingly annoying that the Bubble Guppies R&B tune "Come on puppy say arf" is stuck in my head. Just saying.)

So anyway. Yesterday Anna told me she was standing in a square. I looked down and saw her pointing to the square tiles on our kitchen floor. Impressed, I asked her what shape the clock was.

"Round like a circle!" she exclaimed.

Now, I know I totally sound like a Mom here... but that's sort of impressive, isn't it?? She's only 2 and a half. I instantly started imagining that she would be some sort of Doogie Howser-like genius at school, telling me what a trapezoid was by the age of 4. Informing me that pi equals 3.14 blah blah blah by age 6.

Then she said, "Mommy, I see my shadow!"

"Oh yeah?" I smiled.

"My shadow wants a popsicle."

Which confirmed that she's smarter than I really know. She used her insane cuteness to get what she wanted, knowing I couldn't say no to her shadow. (I'm lucky her shadow didn't want a pony.)

So, yeah. Much like most Moms out there... I truly believe I have a genius child.

Of course, my genius child doesn't mind sitting in her own poop and refuses to use the potty. She also thought a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal was Daddy (maybe she really does know how to get that pony) and she likes to skip numbers 5 through 7 when counting to 10.

Yet to me, she's pretty darn perfect.

I may sit in my own poop, but that's cause I prefer it when you wipe my butt, woman. Who'd give up that sweet deal??

Anna says...

Can someone please tell me when and how my toddler learned to say "Get out of here!" to me? The Mom vs. Daughter battle begins at 2? Really?

Other recent gems from my darling toddler include:

Anna: "My bum hurt."
Me: "Awww... okay, Mommy will put some cream on your bum."
Anna: "NOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Me: "Okay, I don't really understand your logic, but... okay."
Anna: "My bum hurt."

Anna: "Mommy! I see my pink slide in the window!!"
Me: "Yeah! Do you want to go out to the backyard and play with it?"
Anna: "No."
Me: "Oh... okay. Just taking inventory then, eh?"
Anna: "......"

Me: "Anna, can you turn your humidifier off?"
Anna: "Daddy turn my hue-miff-eh-myer off."

Anna: "I eat cheerio like Arwee" (the cat)
Me: "Um..."
Anna: Proceeds to put cheerios on the floor, lays down and eats them off the floor without using her hands.
Me: "Sigh......."

Anna: "Mommy, I dance!"
Me: "Okay, I'll put some music on."
Anna: Dancing... "Now I take a little break."

Anna: "Mommy, I go to the store and buy a bagel."

Anna: "I do that all by self!!"
Mommy: "Okay, go ahead."
Anna: Scowling... "I can't do that all by self."

A look back

Lauren had her 6 month well baby checkup yesterday. She's 17 lbs even and 26 and a half inches long. A long lean baby! You wouldn't guess that from her massive (and adorable) rolls. But there you go.

So I decided to look back on my blogs about Anna to find out what size Anna was at 6 months. The hubster was convinced that Lauren is WAY bigger than Anna was. So I looked it up.

Anna was 16 lbs, 5 oz. and 26 and a half inches long.

My breast milk likes to produce consistent babies.

Anyway. So while reading old blogs, I came across this one. For some reason it makes me laugh a little. (Out of sadness for my poor, former self??)

This was me almost 2 years ago. If I only knew...

Okay Mamas. I'm calling on you again.

I have a baby who hates sleep.

Like, HATES sleep.

Right now, she's exhausted. She's actually been showing signs of sleepiness since about 8:15am (It's 9:15am). I've been battling with her to nap since 8:30am. Fighting to go to sleep is a very regular thing for us. In fact, if she's down in 45 minutes, that's a good day. It takes over an hour most times to get her to bed at night.

The frustrating thing is that this is *relatively* new. Up until about 4 months, she slept great. She would nap for a long time and barely needed any help getting to sleep. She slept for long, long stretches at night and didn't wake up frequently at all.

Even after 4 months, until about 5 months, getting her down to sleep wasn't that tough. She wouldn't sleep long at all during naps, but getting her to sleep was relatively easy.

Now - it's a whole new story. Anna will be 7 months this week, and it's a battle to get her to sleep and to stay asleep Every. Single. Time she goes for a nap or to bed at night.

She doesn't want us to hold her (she arches her back and fights and cries), but she doesn't want us to put her down in her crib either. That just wakes her up and she rolls around and plays with anything she can get her hands on (like the side of the crib) and then she starts crying when she realizes we're not there. Once she's asleep for the night, she wakes up frequently, crying and upset. She used to just need her soother and would fall back asleep. Now, sometimes she just needs her soother, but most of the time she needs us to hold her or me to feed her before she'll calm down and go back to sleep.

I've tried putting her down when she's pretty much asleep. I've tried putting one of my shirts in the crib with her so she would know I was still "there". We've tried lowering the crib and putting a breathable bumper on so that she can't see as much, and won't get caught in the sides. I've tried lavender oil and lavender cream. I've tried letting her cry a little bit. I've tried the "pick up/put down" method. I've tried putting my hand on her until she drifts off to sleep. I've tried putting her down earlier (at the very first sign of tiredness), and I've tried waiting until she's definitely sleepy. I've tried giving her more solids during the day. And I've tried giving her more breast milk, too. I've even tried putting her in the swing.

And every time I try something new, I'm consistent with it for several days to a week to get her used to it. (I know consistency is key). (Then again, why be consistent with something that doesn't work after a week of trying?)

I know that one day she'll sort herself out and all will be right in the world again. The only thing is... I'm just about at my breaking point waiting for her to get there.

Maybe it's because I had two late nights out last week (a party and a wedding), which makes the night time wake ups and the nap battles that much worse the next day. Or maybe it's because I've been dealing with some sort of sleep issue with her for 3 months now. All I know for sure is that I'm cranky, I look and feel like crap, I get irritable more often and I'm not that much fun to be around.

Woe is me.

So anyway... if you have any advice to offer, if you went through this too, even if you just want to tell me you love me, I sure could use it right now.

Many thanks, from a VERY tired Mom.

PS: Anna is lucky she's SO freakin' cute.

Just a quickie...

I've only got a quick minute to post today. So I'm going to do the half-assed version of a blog post... The "highlight reel" of blog posts! Weeee!

My toddler:

• Has somehow managed to make me feel like both a supermom and a failure in the past 24 hours. I was feeling fantastic when I had the house tidied, the baby sleeping and Anna playing happily. Then it all turned on a dime. Anna would only have 2 bites of an apple and a yogurt drink for dinner, screamed for a half an hour when we got water in her eyes in the bath and refused to do anything but watch cartoons before bed.
• Acts like she's on crack after drinking that yogurt drink. I don't think it's unusually high in sugar - it's not like it's ice cream for pete's sake. But the kid is crazy after having one.
• Plays independently really well. It's pretty cute to watch her do things like put her teddy bear to "bed" in our strainer with the baby's spit-up blanket. Lucky bear.
• (She's now walking around proudly, carrying the strainer and bear with a big grin on her face.)
• Insists on leaving her mark wherever she goes. Her music box is under the kitchen table, her hat is in the dining room, her toys are strewn across the basement floor and her sippy cup is in the bathroom. There is really no point in picking up after her toddler trail. It will only return.

My baby:

• Is really one of the most easy-going babies I've ever seen. Yet, last night she decided to scream bloody murder at bedtime and wouldn't go to sleep until 2 hours after she normally does. I tried feeding her, changing her, holding her. Nothing worked. So I went out for a drive and had a little cry at the steering wheel.
• Is currently napping quite happily. Such a sweetie bum.
• Doesn't appear to like food. (What the what??) She hated rice cereal, avocado, sweet potato and banana. Really??
• Has fingernails that can scratch the shit out of your face. Even after being freshly clipped, there always seems to be an edge I missed. 
• Laughs when I clap my hands. Thank goodness, because clapping is really my "A" material. It's all I've got. Well... that, and shaking my keys at her.

And now Anna's yelling that she needs something ("Mommy! I NEED!!") and she insists that I have to come downstairs right now. 

Off I go.