Ungrateful?

This morning, I woke up grouchy.

I'm still irritable at almost 3 in the afternoon. Tired. Worn out. Blah.

Almost everything Anna does today annoys me. I've yelled directly at her several times already, once causing her to be startled and ask me, "What's wrong, Mommy? You sad?"

Did I also mention I've felt guilty pretty much all day, too?

Why does this happen to me? To us Moms? (I'm hoping some of you feel this way, too?)

I have two good, healthy, happy children. I have a really great husband. I've even got an extremely helpful Mom who lives nearby. I'm not alone.

And yet, I'll have these "oh, woe is me" days where I just feel like laying in bed. But there's no reason for it. And I hate complaining about my lot in life because I know I sound selfish.

So... what the hell? (For lack of a better term). What the hell is wrong with me?

My husband and I chatted about the possibility of me returning to work full time. I was leaning towards returning to an out of the home full time job more than I was staying at home and working part time. But I waver back and forth from day to day.

"People envy what you have, Heather. They want the life you've got" he said to me.

I know it. I know. I know. I know.

I've got it good. I've got it so good. Which is why I can't figure out my bad mood. I should be sitting here counting my blessings, not annoyed by the fact that I'm sipping tea in my lovely bright kitchen while the girls nap.

Is this a "the grass is always greener" case?

Do I just need to shut up and give my head a shake?

Sigh.

Wish I knew.

From the neurotic files...

So, I realize I'm neurotic.

But I think I've reached an all new level of crazy. Allow me to explain.

I was telling a girlfriend the other day about how I'm not sure if my baby loves me.

(Oh lord, I'm rolling my eyes right now because I KNOW I'm crazy. I know it! But I can't seem to help it.)

It's very clear to me that Anna loves me. She's very attached to me. She wants Mommy to hug her and kiss her and help her get dressed. Only I can calm her down when she's reaching her nuclear meltdown point. She's always been this way since she was a wee babe. Everyone else is great, don't get her wrong... but Mommy? Mommy frickin rocks, people. Mommy is the best! Mommy wipes her bum, sucks boogies out of her nose and STILL thinks the sun rises and sets out of her arse.

On the other hand, when it comes to Lauren... The jury's still out on whether or not she feels that intensely about me.

Don't get me wrong - the kid obviously LIKES me. I mean, she smiles and giggles for me. She tolerates me dressing and changing her. But am I like the best thing that ever existed in the entire history of the universe?

Meh. Not so sure about that one.

Case in point: When Grandma comes to visit, Lauren smiles and reaches for Grandma. If Grandma leaves the room (AND I'M STILL IN IT), Lauren cries.

When I try to smother her in kisses - she pushes me away. When I wrestle her into a bear hug just to be close to her? She cries.

That's right. My caresses make my child weep, folks.

It's starting to give me a wee bit of a complex. I'm used to being the center of my daughter's universe. I'm used to being able to do no wrong. I'm used to being considered pretty awesome just by getting up and getting the kid a bowl of cereal.

Looks like I'm going to have to work a bit harder to earn little Lauren's affection.

And all I can think about is how Moms and daughters have weird relationships. Some daughters hate their Moms. They love their Dads and think their Moms are crazy and annoying and nag too much.

Add to that the fact that I know I'm not the easiest to like all the time. (I'm blunt and to-the-point and get taken the wrong way. I'm not all nicey nicey. It's just not in me.) Plus, I have mood swings and I'm not afraid to yell at my kids. I rock! Weee!

Anyway, add that all up, and all of the sudden I can picture grown-up Lauren exasperated with me and irritated by my very presence and wondering why I'm weeping to myself in the corner, rocking back and forth while cradling her baby clothes and whispering "Why don't you love me?? Why???"

So yes. I think I've very clearly demonstrated my ridiculous level of crazy. But there seems to be not much I can do about it.

Which is why I'm just going to keep smothering Lauren with kisses and hope for the best.

And if she ever comes up to you one day and complains about me? Please tell her that I love her and I mean well.