Remember when you were pregnant? And people would say things to you like "Sleep now because you're going to be SO SLEEP DEPRIVED once the baby comes". Which? Yes, it's true. But also - it's not like you can bank sleep... so it was kind of a dumb thing to say.
Or, my favourite was "Wow!! You're BIG. You're going to have a HUGE baby." Like it's somehow socially acceptable to tell women that they're going to have abnormally giant, mammoth babies so you better start massaging that perineum like RIGHT NOW.
Anyway. I found the interesting comments haven't stopped now that I've actually spat my mammoth baby out. (By the way, she was 5lbs. 15 oz. So it was just me that was huge. Not my child.) (Which? I'm awesome when it comes to will power. I know it.)
So here are some of my post-baby faves:
Your baby is SO (insert comment here based on the person and day and the way the wind is blowing). For example: (little) (big) (happy) (sad) (chubby) (skinny). Really - I have no idea what the general public thinks of my baby. It changes day to day.
Are you breastfeeding? (I especially love it when men ask this). I would so love to answer "Yes! Would you like to see my boob right now?" Mind you, I think that would sort of work in the opposite way I'd want with men. Guys love a boob, whether it's milk-filled or not, don't they?
You're not supposed to drink alcohol. Thank you for monitoring my intake of foods and liquids, friend. But: a) I've actually done some research on this topic already, b) I've also talked to my doctor (and midwife, and doula person I know, and friend who's a nutritionist) and asked their opinion, and c) I'm sorry, but I can't hear you properly while I'm upside down doing this keg-stand. Could you come back later?
You're not supposed to drink caffeine. Please. I beg you to meet my child who hates sleep more than anything. Then I beg you to not get a good night's sleep for OVER A YEAR. And then, and only then, will I listen to your argument about the evils of caffeine.
You're not supposed to take Advil. Oh, eff you.
Has she started doing x, y or z yet? No. But I'm glad that you're pointing out that my baby isn't hitting her milestones. She also loves it. That's why she's screaming in your face while you try to hold her.
I would never do *that* to my/with my child. (See also: I would never let MY child do that.) I really don't like smug people, but I have to be smug right now. I have to. I also have to write down what you just said you'll never do and I'd like to revisit this with you in a good 3 to 9 months. M'k?
So - what are some of your favourites?