Thursday, June 7, 2012

What now?

Oh my word, it's been a while since I've written.

(Wait a minute. Did I just say oh my word?? WTF? Am I 90? I must be. That reminds me - Andrew told me the other day that when I use the phrase "dating around" I sound like an old granny. And my brother has pointed out my grey hairs on numerous occasions. It's confirmed. I'm old, folks.)



Back to the point.

Today is Lauren's half birthday. My wee cutie is 6 months old today! How is that possible? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was yelling in agony at my midwife who said I had no time for an epidural. (And then she gave me some extra strength Tylenol to shut me up. And I took them. And they did nothing.) Ah... good times.

Little Lauren just learned to sit up. She's sleeping well (after a bit of a blip when we took away her soother). She's happy as can be. And Anna's doing great too. She just needs those molars to pop through and she'll be good as gold.

Life is good.

For now.

Okay. Yes. I know that's very Debbie Downer of me.

But there's part of me that thinks - every now and again - when is the other shoe going to drop? How long do I get to have such a good, happy life for? Why am I lucky? I haven't done anything to deserve the easy life.

Good friends of mine are going through really, really tough shit right now. Infertility. Marriages breaking up. Health challenges with their children.

Serious effin stuff.

Andrew and I are stressed out about the gorgeous new home we bought. We need to give our heads a shake before someone slaps us.

Yes, I'm sort of making light of the situation. The truth is, we've had our trials and tribulations. Everybody does. But in the end, things are pretty darn good for us. I don't have a LOT to worry about.

My Mom called me today and told me she was sick. I knew she had something going on - bronchitis or something. But my mind instantly started running madly down the street screaming "It's cancer! There's a tumour! It's life threatening!" Why?? Why would I do that to myself? Why would I think the worst?

I guess I'm just waiting for life to catch up with me.

Up until your early 30s, I think most of us feel invincible. All that scary adult stuff won't happen to us or anyone we know.

Until... without notice...

It starts happening.

Suddenly I know single parents. I know people who have to start over. I know people who spend far too much time in hospitals with their children. I know people who have real things to worry about.

And then I catch myself staring at Andrew's face while he sits next to me. Or watching Anna closely as she "reads" her books. Or touching Lauren's cheek and thigh and tummy - just to feel her soft skin. Just to know that they're all real. And they're really mine.

Then I realize that it doesn't matter how I got lucky, but that I appreciate every minute of it while I've got it.

Life. It can be a tricky little bastard at times.

Thankfully I've got something great to keep me grounded.


  1. Thanks for writing again Hez. Your post always make me think and reflect on my own motherhood journey.


    1. Awww... thank you TH! There's nothing better for a writer than having someone thank you for writing. :)