Monday, April 18, 2011

Depression? Or just a case of the Mondays?

I wonder if other Moms of toddlers deal with this. Or if I'm just weird.

Here's the thing.

Anna's 14 and a half months old. So it's not like I'm brand, spankin' new to the Mom thing. (I'm not "seasoned", but she's not a 2 week old little buttertart anymore...) And yet, even though I've gotten into the groove of the Mom thing, I still find myself slightly depressed now and again.

Can you get postpartum depression 14 months after having your baby?

Actually, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed. But I have these moments where I fluctuate between: "I freakin' love my life! I'm so lucky to be home with my baby and watch her grow!" and "What the heck am I doing? Why do I feel so lonely and down?"

I think part of it is not having friends or acquaintances to interact with on a daily basis. I mean - I see people on a daily basis. But talking to the lady at the Metro check-out just ain't the same as having a discussion with a friend. Or a coworker you really like. Or a Mommy buddy you used to hang out with.

I'm also trying to juggle taking care of Anna full-time with working freelance, training for a half marathon, working out, trying to lose weight, keeping the house tidy, my constant battle with laundry and fitting in conference calls and meetings with the folks in the outside world.

Not to mention the fact that I'm always worrying about whether or not Anna's getting enough interaction with other babies, if she has enough opportunity to learn, etc. etc.

But mostly - it's the lonely thing.

I'm a social gal. I'm just not used to not having friends/family to talk with or spend time with. When Andrew comes home from work, I descend on him and instantly start asking him a billion questions, just so we can chat. (Poor guy doesn't know what's hit him sometimes).

I always feel busy. Yet I also feel down at times. The answer isn't going back to work full time, because I really don't want that. But I'm sort of at a loss as to how to turn this whole thing around and start feeling better again.

Anywho. Sorry for the Monday morning pity party... I just felt like I needed to unload.

Do any of you guys ever feel this way? What have you done to fix it? Am I just suffering a case of the winter blahs? Or do I really need to make some kind of a change in order to be 100% happy again?

I don't know.

But I do know this: Anna's napping. It's time for me to make another coffee and curl up on the couch for a bit. (This is the part where I totally love my life.)


  1. I don't know what the answer is for you but wanted you to know I'm here for you if you need to chat. I can relate to your feelings as I felt very similarity when I was at home. I was lucky enough to find the solution that worked for me, but I know that the right thing is different for everyone.

    Could you get a grandparent to watch Anna while you got out of the house once a week and did something with other people? It's hard being "alone" all day (I know you're never really alone-alone, but babies are not much for conversation). Could you volunteer somewhere or take a class, or join another meet-up group?

    I'm not sure how you are managing to juggle everything you are doing all at once. I can barely do half of what you mentioned! Maybe it is just a case of the winter blahs; I think the crummy weather can have take a serious toll on a person's mood.

    Sorry not to have many suggestions for you. But, I'm always here if you need somewhere to vent or just a sympathetic ear.

    Alos, I really wouldn't worry about Anna not having enough interation with other kids at her age. If she was 2.5 or 3 I'd answer that differently. With the warmer weather coming (well, that's even up for debate today), you'll meet tons of other babies at the park that she can play with.


  2. I think you have a case of the "I've been stuck in the house all winter and the weather won't warm up blues". Once the sun shines and it warms up, your sunny disposition will automatically reappear. And what you are trying to accomplish is monumental in my opinion... build your business, be available for work when it drops in your lap and keep Anna busy and amused. Not to mention train for a 1/2 marathon!

  3. I don't think I could have articulated the way that I feel better than you did in this post. The majority of the time, I am so content, but there are hours and days that I just feel like I'm missing something.

    It's so tied in with expectations for (working) women and mothers, too. I feel both extremes (the full-time mom vs. the full-time job) tugging at me and don't feel happy with either option. Like you, I work from home in a free-lance way, and that's somewhat more frustrating than if I had a structured way to get out of the house. The house work is always there, staring me in the face, and I feel like I'm not doing my daughter justice when she doesn't have my full attention.

    I have realized when I've been away from her for a few days, how truly unique it is to not have anyone but myself to worry about. It's an invigorating thing, but there's also that nagging "did I leave my purse somewhere," syndrome that leaves me a bit empty at the same time!

    I feel so lucky and fortunate to be home, and wouldn't/won't trade it, as I think a full-time job would have many more drawbacks, but that doesn't stop me from getting down, just like you say.

    I did just enroll my girl in a twice-a-week educational preschool program starting in June. She'll be 19 months old. I'm hoping to pick up more work in the meantime to justify the cost. I think it's going to do both of us a lot of good. And, I'm considering getting certified to teach yoga in July. I'll keep you posted!

  4. Oh my gosh - MammaSmacks, it feel SO good to know someone else feels the same was as I do!! I'm so glad I'm not alone on this one. I actually had decided to do the same thing and enroll my daughter in some sort of part-time (a couple of mornings a week) program. I have to wait until she's about 18 months I think - so that'll be August.

    Good luck with the yoga certification! That's fantastic!