If she weren't my daughter (and if she weren't A BABY) I'd have some choice words for her. (Yes. It's incredibly sad that I'm jealous of a 13 month-old's figure. I know it.)
On a side note - I'm sort of running out of "Every Mom Should Know This" ideas for the blog. Except...
That I'm not sure the general public wants to hear about.
(I also think there must be some sort of conspiracy to cover this topic up, because WHY AREN'T WE SHARING THIS WITH EACH OTHER LADIES??)
And that topic is...
Post-baby coochie care.
Oh, alright. I'll just say the word: vagina.
My good Mommy friends told me a few things right before Anna was born and I was UBER grateful they did. Which is why I feel I must share the following:
Hez's List of Things She's Glad She Knew About Down There. Or: How to Take Care of Your Lady Parts After Spitting Out a Child.
1. If the hospital doesn't provide you with a little spray bottle, demand one. They give you this simple little bottle to use for cleaning purposes after you pee... and it works wonders. It's really the only way to keep yourself clean. Trust me. When you're all swollen and delicate and sore as hell, the softest ply in the world will feel like shards of glass if you try to wipe up after a pee. My friend told me to ask for one, but luckily the nurse just gave it to me. Otherwise I would have been all, "I need the bottle for the pee!!!" and that could have been confusing.
2. Frozen maxi-pads. Enough said? Well, I'll elaborate anyway. Right after birthing a child, you're a tad swollen, but are still asked to walk around and, oh... maybe even take care of a brand new life and all!! So, not having to worry about your vagina feeling like it's closing over would be pleasant, right? A friend told me that the hospital will give you a couple of frozen pads if you ask. But you may want to freeze a few for when you get home. Best. Advice. Ever.
3. You may think Dexter was in your room. After having Anna, once she was cleaned up and the hubster and I were done staring at her with our happy little family glow, the midwives wanted to help me get up and move over to the bathroom so they could change my "diaper" (for lack of a better word) and get me to my new room. That's when I saw it. All the freakin' blood. There was so much of it everywhere - and if my friend hadn't warned me about this, I may have thought I was dying. So... just so you know - lots and lots of gross blood everywhere is apparently perfectly normal.
4. You don't have to fear the poo. I was terrified of pooping post-birth. I knew that spray bottle wasn't going to work the same way on my behind, and... what about the stitches?? I worked myself up into a little frenzy until I remembered the advice I was given: Just try and relax, and wipe with those little medicated hemorrhoids pads. Then stick some of them on your frozen pad, too. Oh my god, giving birth is glamorous, no?
So, experienced Moms... have I missed anything?
Or, is the better question... do I actually still have readers left at this point??