Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Reader discretion advised: The topic of this post is va-jay-jays.

Anna's newest pair of skinny jeans don't fit. They're too big on her.

If she weren't my daughter (and if she weren't A BABY) I'd have some choice words for her. (Yes. It's incredibly sad that I'm jealous of a 13 month-old's figure. I know it.)

On a side note - I'm sort of running out of "Every Mom Should Know This" ideas for the blog. Except...

For one.

That I'm not sure the general public wants to hear about.

(I also think there must be some sort of conspiracy to cover this topic up, because WHY AREN'T WE SHARING THIS WITH EACH OTHER LADIES??)

And that topic is...

Post-baby coochie care.

Oh, alright. I'll just say the word: vagina.

My good Mommy friends told me a few things right before Anna was born and I was UBER grateful they did. Which is why I feel I must share the following:

Hez's List of Things She's Glad She Knew About Down There. Or: How to Take Care of Your Lady Parts After Spitting Out a Child.

1. If the hospital doesn't provide you with a little spray bottle, demand one. They give you this simple little bottle to use for cleaning purposes after you pee... and it works wonders. It's really the only way to keep yourself clean. Trust me. When you're all swollen and delicate and sore as hell, the softest ply in the world will feel like shards of glass if you try to wipe up after a pee. My friend told me to ask for one, but luckily the nurse just gave it to me. Otherwise I would have been all, "I need the bottle for the pee!!!" and that could have been confusing.

2. Frozen maxi-pads. Enough said? Well, I'll elaborate anyway. Right after birthing a child, you're a tad swollen, but are still asked to walk around and, oh... maybe even take care of a brand new life and all!! So, not having to worry about your vagina feeling like it's closing over would be pleasant, right? A friend told me that the hospital will give you a couple of frozen pads if you ask. But you may want to freeze a few for when you get home. Best. Advice. Ever.

3. You may think Dexter was in your room. After having Anna, once she was cleaned up and the hubster and I were done staring at her with our happy little family glow, the midwives wanted to help me get up and move over to the bathroom so they could change my "diaper" (for lack of a better word) and get me to my new room. That's when I saw it. All the freakin' blood. There was so much of it everywhere - and if my friend hadn't warned me about this, I may have thought I was dying. So... just so you know - lots and lots of gross blood everywhere is apparently perfectly normal.

4. You don't have to fear the poo. I was terrified of pooping post-birth. I knew that spray bottle wasn't going to work the same way on my behind, and... what about the stitches?? I worked myself up into a little frenzy until I remembered the advice I was given: Just try and relax, and wipe with those little medicated hemorrhoids pads. Then stick some of them on your frozen pad, too. Oh my god, giving birth is glamorous, no?

So, experienced Moms... have I missed anything?

Or, is the better question... do I actually still have readers left at this point??


  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.....deep breath....ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
    Love it! Oh! Don't forget laying in bed spread wide with the fan blowing up your hoo haa.
    hahahahaha....thanks Heather. I needed the belly laugh. **giggle**

  2. Ummm...not sure if other moms have experienced this but I had some lovely farts from the lady parts. Must be easier for air to get trapped up in there once you pop a watermelon-sized head through. Doesn't happen anymore but it did make for some interesting yoga classes, and sex sessions. Good times.

    Oh, and the frozen pads were pretty much the best thing in the world.

  3. Where was all this great advice when I delivered some 34ish years ago; it might have been so helpful. I just had to muddle through.

  4. This is why we Moms all really NEED each other, Kathy! For all the stuff "they" don't tell you about.

    Colleen - you're awesome.

    Laurie - my pleasure! :)

  5. Am I the only Mom who has the world's worst periods, now that I've given birth? I'm talking a week long, super-plus tampons, and all that fun stuff. Is it just me???

  6. Awesome Hez - exactly what I went through - to the letter. Except my hospital had lots of pee bottles and hoarded them. Like I wanted one for every bathroom I might potentially take a pee in and a travel one. And I travelled with frozen pads too - I moved people's frozen lasagne's out of the way to make room for my frozen pads. Hey - they were in a baggie, no big ;)

  7. Ok since nobody has mentioned the smell yet I will. After giving birth to my adorable little man, I suffered from all of the above mentioned things, but I was also gifted with the worst smell down there possible!! I mean I literally thought I was rotting from the inside out and I was too embarrassed to talk about it or to tell anyone other than my husband. Turns out it must be fairly common though since at my six week checkup when I finally asked about it, my OB said without blinking an eye "Does it smell like rotten meat? Don't worry it will clear up soon"!
    Wish somebody had told me that one ahead of time!!

  8. I love this ladies!! I'm sitting here nodding away. Awesome comments!

  9. Let me add this about the frozen pads. Apparently, if you spritz them a few times with water from a spray bottle before putting them in the freezer, they'll stay cold longer.

    I had the frozen pads ready to go, as well as this herbal "tea" that my sister got from a midwife friend. Not for drinking, but for putting in the spray bottle you mentioned. Supposed to soothe & help the lady parts heal. But I ended up getting a C-section, so I didn't end up using any of it! Oh well, for baby #2...

    @Colleen: Yoga in Motion is gonna be interesting, bahaha!

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