Monday, February 28, 2011

The things people say

Remember when you were pregnant? And people would say things to you like "Sleep now because you're going to be SO SLEEP DEPRIVED once the baby comes". Which? Yes, it's true. But also - it's not like you can bank sleep... so it was kind of a dumb thing to say.

Or, my favourite was "Wow!! You're BIG. You're going to have a HUGE baby." Like it's somehow socially acceptable to tell women that they're going to have abnormally giant, mammoth babies so you better start massaging that perineum like RIGHT NOW.

Anyway. I found the interesting comments haven't stopped now that I've actually spat my mammoth baby out. (By the way, she was 5lbs. 15 oz. So it was just me that was huge. Not my child.) (Which? I'm awesome when it comes to will power. I know it.)

So here are some of my post-baby faves:

Your baby is SO (insert comment here based on the person and day and the way the wind is blowing). For example: (little) (big) (happy) (sad) (chubby) (skinny). Really - I have no idea what the general public thinks of my baby. It changes day to day.

Are you breastfeeding? (I especially love it when men ask this). I would so love to answer "Yes! Would you like to see my boob right now?" Mind you, I think that would sort of work in the opposite way I'd want with men. Guys love a boob, whether it's milk-filled or not, don't they?

You're not supposed to drink alcohol. Thank you for monitoring my intake of foods and liquids, friend. But: a) I've actually done some research on this topic already, b) I've also talked to my doctor (and midwife, and doula person I know, and friend who's a nutritionist) and asked their opinion, and c) I'm sorry, but I can't hear you properly while I'm upside down doing this keg-stand. Could you come back later?

You're not supposed to drink caffeine. Please. I beg you to meet my child who hates sleep more than anything. Then I beg you to not get a good night's sleep for OVER A YEAR. And then, and only then, will I listen to your argument about the evils of caffeine.

You're not supposed to take Advil. Oh, eff you.

Has she started doing x, y or z yet? No. But I'm glad that you're pointing out that my baby isn't hitting her milestones. She also loves it. That's why she's screaming in your face while you try to hold her.

I would never do *that* to my/with my child. (See also: I would never let MY child do that.) I really don't like smug people, but I have to be smug right now. I have to. I also have to write down what you just said you'll never do and I'd like to revisit this with you in a good 3 to 9 months. M'k?

So - what are some of your favourites?


  1. Heather, I have to admit that although I've never posted anything before, I love your blog and read every post!

    Anyhow, I have to agree that people should really just keep their comments to themselves. They can even talk about me behind my back if they would like. But unless I ask, I'm not looking for your thoughts on the above issues.

    The Viennese love to comment and tell you how you are parenting improperly. My favourite is "Your baby should have mittens on." or "Do you think she's cold?". Um, yes, I believe she's freezing. I thought I would teach my 9 month old a lesson?!? Oh, and by the way, we're Canadian, 0 degress isn't cold!!

    Thanks for the laughs!

  2. Heather, I do a lot of these things!!! I do ask if babies are crawling, walking etc. Mostly I just want to know how they're spending their time. I don't do it to be mean, I swear!

    I find the best way to get back at these people if they are being mean is to get even. I have a "friend" that always notes just how small my kid is. "Your kid is so small, she weighed at 2 months what mine weighed at birth, labour for you must have been a sneeze". My response dear Heather - "Oh yeah an hour and a half of pushing was just like drinking a margarita but then again I didn't tear or have haemorrhoids like you did I? That's right, I didn't."
    People can be jerks. Plain and simple.

  3. 1) "You're son is so skinny" x 6 in the first hour of a vist. Yes, he is on the thin side, but I don't need to hear it a million times like there is something wrong with him. Your son is 3 years old and 45 lbs!!!

    2) "I can see it in your face" - Told to me by a much younger co-worker after I told her I had gained a whopping 1 lb when I first got pregnant with my son. Really? I gained the whole lb in my face? Weird.

    3) "I didn't have kids for other people to raise" First heard by my daycare worker/friend when picking up my son. Heard about a million times since then by various people. Can't even get started on this. Makes me absolutely crazy and I'd rant all day long.

    3) "Have you been to the dr to make sure everything is ok? You're so small!" - Random courier worker after he asked how far along I was and I told him 5 months. No jerk off, I've never been to the dr while pregnant. I ended up with a 9 lb baby anyway, so I just must be very roomy inside.

    4) "When I have kids, they'll never (blank)" eat crappy food, watch too much tv, talk back, have a tantrum etc. etc. Yeah, I said just the same thing before I had kids. In fact, I was the best mother on Earth before I had kids.


  4. Haha - I love these!

    Just to clarify... I meant this post as a fun (and also cathartic) type of post... not just to complain about jerks. :)

    Anyway - love the comments! So funny. Oh, and Kim - when I was *just* pregnant, someone told me they "could tell I was bigger". I had only gained 2 lbs. at that point! And that could have just been what I ate for breakfast that day! But apparently it was showing! :)